Whatever...

I am overcome with emotion. I sit here in our house and all is quiet. Two weeks. In two weeks I will be boarding a plane and ending this chapter of my life. I am heartbroken. My eyes fill with tears. I don't want to leave. I don't want to say goodbye. My life and heart are here. I have begun to say my goodbyes and it isn't easy. I never knew it would be so hard to say goodbye. If you would have asked me even 2 weeks ago how I feel, I would have said that I am excited to go home. Now, it is the last thing I want to do. Sure, I will be back here in August, but it isn't the same. I have fallen in love with the people of Zambia. This is home. How do I even express to the people back home what I have gone through? No one will understand what I have seen and experienced. Is this God telling me that this will one day be my permanent home? I wouldn't doubt it. I am constantly being broken apart and rebuilt. Will I go back home and fall into the old ways of life? Will I be able to keep this momentum when everyone else around me is at a stand still? I was reminded this week that the biggest testimony in my life will not be the past 5 months. It will be the past 5 months, going home and keeping the faith, and then returning here once again. I am terrified that I will go back to that person that I once was. Who is that person? I don't even know. I have so much running through my head right now. Why does saying goodbye have to be so hard? I knew this day would come and I used to look forward to it. Not anymore. The next two weeks will be spent recapping so many good memories. It will be filled with a lot of tears. Tears of happiness and tears of sadness.

Lord, give me the strength to push on and not lose the faith. You have a perfect plan for my life. Lord... Do whatever you want with my life, just don't leave my side. I need you more than ever. You are my strength. You are my all in all.