Today

Today is beautiful.

Today is sunny.

Today is hard.

Today should of been happy.

Today, I am 12 weeks pregnant.

Today, our little one is sleeping peacefully inside me and sadly will never see the outside world.

I was hoping to share our exciting news with you all but here I am instead. We went for our first ultrasound yesterday to check on our baby. As soon as the sonographer started the scan, I knew something was wrong. The baby was tiny and could hardly been seen. The baby was measuring at 8 weeks. It was then I heard the news that no one ever wants to hear. "I'm sorry, but we can't find a heartbeat".

I had a feeling deep in my gut that something was wrong for a while but every time I had a negative thought come in my head, I pushed it out and gave this pregnancy to God. I put my trust in Him.

Even so, it came as a huge shock. I have had no symptoms of miscarriage and every single symptom of pregnancy. I bawled my eyes out of course and am so grateful that Barney was with me. We were sent off for an hour before I was able to see my doctor so we went for a drive and ended up sitting in a park, over looking the ocean and even managed to spot a humpback whale. We smiled, we cried. I actually think this hour of peace was so perfect for us. I can't sit watching crashing waves and whales passing by without thinking of how big God is and how in control of everything he is.

So we went back to the doctor to discuss our options of where to go from here. I can wait for my body to naturally miscarry but since it has yet to happen in 4 weeks, I don't believe it will happen on its own. So on Tuesday I will go to the hospital where we get to choose whether I take a tablet to induce the miscarriage or I can have a procedure to have the baby removed and get cleaned out. We are leaning towards the procedure as we really just want to move on instead of having the situation last longer than it needs to. Because of all of the hormones in my body, I still have all the pregnancy symptoms and sickness which is another reason why we are leaning towards the procedure. I just want to feel better. We shall see.

How am I feeling?

Devastated. Sad. Sick.

But, I am also overwhelmed with peace. I am not guilty. I am not ashamed. This is not my fault. I did nothing to cause it.

This baby was obviously not forming properly causing it to pass away. It just wasn't meant to be.

I am grateful that I know I can get pregnant. I know that I can have a healthy pregnancy. I know that I can have a wonderful birth experience. Myles is the example of that everyday which is why I have faith that when the time is right, it will happen again.

So now I just hug Myles a little tighter, give him extra cuddles and thank God for him. I also feel closer to Barney because of it. We can be sad together, grieve together and just be there for each other.

Today I have peace in my heart and know that God is good.





*This post is probably the most vulnerable I have ever been here. It seemed to be the outlet I needed to put everything in my head in writing. I also take comfort that I know I am not alone. I know several of you readers have suffered miscarriage. It is not something to be ashamed of and I think it is healthy to talk about it, no matter how hard it can be. And yes, it is early to share all of this but I don't care. It is what I am going through and I cherish all of the support I have from family and friends, which has been overwhelming in the last 24 hours.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Much love.